Yesterday I had a pity party for myself. In the privacy of my own home of course. But never the less I cracked and broke down. I’m tired. Exhausted to the point of physical illness. Maxed out. And I just couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. For over two weeks now I’ve been taking care of a sick, clingy, fussy baby all by myself. Poor guy has felt miserable and just wants to be held. And it seems there is nothing I can do to take away his pain. That breaks my heart. The days are long and the nights have been even longer. I’ve been surviving on a minimum of three hours of sleep each night. And yesterday I just couldn’t hold back the emotion any more. So after a few tears, I wiped my face and headed to bed. I was feeling defeated because my strength was gone and I wasn’t able to hold it all together. I should be able to hold it all together right?
I walked into my room and saw this precious little face lying there. And God’s grace was waiting for me in that moment.
Peaceful. Restful. So innocent. So trusting. One look at that little face and God reminded me that I am blessed. I may be tired. I may be sick and worn out. But I am blessed. And there is no amount of tiredness or exhaustion that could make me want anything other than to be this boy’s mom. It is the toughest job I’ve ever done. And it seems to be getting tougher the older he gets. But last night I caught a glimpse of my reward in that baby’s face. And just like that the self pity and guilt was gone. Taken by my King.
I know I blog often about my son and about being a mom. But this blog is a place for you to see my work and get to know me. Well at this stage in my life I am honestly trying to get to know myself. I feel like I’ve been reborn and am now discovering who I am now in this role as a mom. So I thank you for listening. And sharing. And helping on this journey of motherhood. I wonder if I will ever truly know myself as a mom. Do we ever really get to that place in this new identify?
(http://www NULL.linkwithin NULL.com/)
Ashley Adams - Being a mother is the hardest job I have ever done. I have shared similar struggles of caring for a baby that was sick and wants nothing, but you or to be held. It is very exhausting, but your right they are such a blessing. I wouldn’t change it for anything in world just like you wouldn’t. I know your struggling right now and if you need anything please don’t hesitate to call or email us. If you need a couple hours to yourself we wouldn’t mind watching your baby. I know we don’t know each other well, but please know we are here and we will definitely pray for you both. Just know it’s okay to break down. We can’t always be strong.
Keary Dee (http://kearydeephotography NULL.com) - Renee I love your heart and how much you share. I definitely don’t know what it’s like being a mom, but he is so so lucky to have you. You are so dedicated, devoted, and love him to no end. I’m praying that God renews your strength, gives you energy, and a clear mind to see the beautiful things in front of you when you can be so weak and tired. I love the transformation I’ve seen in you becoming a mother. Love you so much Renee. xoxo
Rick - Renee, 1st..I love you and I think you are a great mom!! 2nd… I remember, before I had my kids, thinking that being a parent would be the hardest job I would ever have, and it was, but it was and still is THE most rewarding. I also remember telling my kids stuff and then saying, “I’m your mom and it’s my job, that’s why…” So hang in there, Sweetie. I wish I was there to help you. Kiss my precious grandson for me. Love, Susie
Susie - Oops…forgot to change Rick’s name…oh well you knew it was me, right?
Jenn Mejia - Renee… this brought me to tears.. your doing so good. It is not easy.. and the days and nights (especially) seem long. You have been doing this by yourself… and your pregnant! So not easy. Trust me.. your not alone in this. I had my own breakdown yesterday… I am tired.. I felt as though I am alone… I was to a point where all I wanted to do was cry. Just sit on the couch and cry. I did cry but I looked at my babies faces and knew that God, our Provider was there with me. Even when Adrian is gone endless hours… my Lord is always there. He gave us these beautiful treasures because He loves us!
Renee you are doing so so good! I know its beyond being easy.. but just take one day at a time… one precious day at a time. I am praying for you.. I am praying that the Lord’s presence just fills your sweet home and I am praying that sweet baby Eli is healed in Jesus name! You will look back on this time and be so very proud of yourself. Its part of your journey of motherhood… of growing. Love you and know that I am praying for you
Julia - Renee, please take a few minutes to read this blog post. It was therapeutic to me while experiencing (and still experiencing) those days where you just have to have a good cry!
http://familyatthefootofthecross.blogspot.com/2011/04/are-your-monastery-bells-ringing.html (http://familyatthefootofthecross NULL.blogspot NULL.com/2011/04/are-your-monastery-bells-ringing NULL.html)
Keep up the good work Momma!
Andy - I love you so much Baby! I love your honesty, especially on here. I can’t wait to come home to you and Eli and #2.
Renee - Thanks so much for posting this link. It really spoke to me!!!