I want my blog readers to feel like they know me. I want to be transparent, real. That is why I am sharing this information with you, even though it makes me feel vulnerable. But I know I am not the only one who struggles with these issues. So a little vulnerability is good. Right? Well, today’s blog post is about as vulnerable as I can get. So please be kind as I let it all hang out. Literally.
I have always struggled with my body image. I can not remember a time that I didn’t. As a child I was made fun of for being fat. I always felt like people were looking at me. In middle school I can remember students taunting me all the time. One specific event even still haunts me today. I remember it vividly. There I was, in front of the entire student body during a pep rally. I was a cheerleader and our squad was leading a cheer. In the middle our routine one mean boy decided to chant something about me. I don’t remember exactly what the chant was, but I know it was about me and my weight. And I know that the chant caught on and eventually was louder than our cheer. I remember my heart pounding wildly as I tried not to cry. I remember that moment so well it still brings tears to my eyes. Even now.
Looking back on those years and that particular event makes me mad. Not because people teased me. But because I believed what they said and let their words affect how I saw myself. I wasn’t fat in middle school! Not at all. I wasn’t a stick, but by no means was I fat. But I didn’t know that because I was letting others create my reality. I believe many women do this. Maybe it is not mean students for you, but perhaps the media, or your parents, or maybe even your friends that cause you to see yourself in a manner that isn’t reality. I guess it just depends on whose standards you are living by.
I am tired of living by a false reality. I am sick of living by other people’s standards of skinny. I am done struggling with my body image. I having been praying for freedom from this bondage for a while now. I know it will be a work in progress, but I do not want to live life never feeling satisfied with how I look. And believe me, I have wasted many good years doing this. Let me share an example.
I found this old picture of myself that represents a time that I wasted mentally on my body image. I can’t believe I am actually posting this online, because by most the world’s standards this is a picture of a large girl. And at the time this picture was taken I thought the same thing. I thought I was fat. But I think posting it makes my point. So here it goes.
(http://reneebooephotography NULL.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/July-2006 NULL.jpg)
I thought I was fat? What? I am so mad at myself for thinking that. I need to say this even though it is hard for me. I looked good. But did I think so back then? NOPE. I had been working out hard, training for a triathlon, and I still didn’t feel good about my body image. TIME WASTED. I would love to look like this now. HA! Which is so ironic.
I am ready to have a new body image. One where I love my body and take good care of it. No more crash diets. Just good clean eating and daily workouts. And if I decide I want to have a piece of cheesecake I refuse to beat myself up about it. I will have that cheesecake and move on. I will not waste any more time on that false reality.
And I am writing this as a pep talk to myself really. After having a baby my body is very different. And I am telling myself that THATS OK! A women’s body is suppose to change after having a baby. And losing the gained weight isn’t about trying to look like I once did. It’s about getting back into shape and back to a healthy weight. So this is my goal. My journey. To stay focused during this season of getting back into shape and learn to love my body. I am striving to be comfortable in my own skin. This will be a daily battle, but one I am determined to win.
Do you struggle with your body image? Have you won this battle? I would love to hear your story. Let’s win this together.
(http://www NULL.linkwithin NULL.com/)
Lauren Z - I LOVE you! Such a great post. Thank you for the reality check today. Our bodies are very different after having babies…as they should be. Motherhood is a complete and very humbling transformation that in all ‘reality’ is a beautiful gift from God. Your passion and determination inspire me! We have so many people around us that focus on body image as their identity (as we all do at times), and my heart hurts for them. Every time they make fun of someone for being ‘fat’ (ugh, I hate that phrase), it is so easy to see their own insecurities floating around them. Thank you for taking a stand against this lie that Satan has whispered and flaunted to our culture. I will pray along with you for freedom and redemption from this bondage!
Jessica Marsh - Renee, I have known you for what seems like forever and you have NEVER been big. Saying that though, I think it’s very hard for women to overcome this. It was hardest for me after having the girls, I thought I was huge. It was hard and took awhile but I am ok with the way I look now and know that I look this way because I gave birth to two amazing little girls. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I just keep working out and try to eat healthy (which is really hard sometimes).
shari (http://www NULL.sharihensonphoto NULL.com/wp) - yay! praise jesus you have been lifted from this!
yes, mommyhood has changed my body tremendously and i have been struggling with insecurity in other areas as a woman (with healing as i wrote to you about in an email) and those were just lifted from me LAST WEEK! it took me 4 months to ‘get over’ myself after having caleb. i’m so happy to see this for you. i’m about to start reading “so long insecurity” by beth moore with a girl that disciples me. i think this might be just the right timing for you, too! i still have about 15 pounds to lose, but i’m taking my time so that i can enjoy life! xoxo
Jolyn - This is an inspiration to me seeing I went through the same thing and I am expecting my third baby. Renee you look awesome and thank you so much for sharing this with us!!!!
Rachel - I’ll be vulnerable for a minute… I’m totally crying right now. I hate the way so much around us tells us we’re fat. I have always, since elementary school, struggled with my self image as well. I’ve always thought I was fat… there was one time, right before I got pregnant where I was “okay” with the way I looked. It’s so sad. Especially with the pressure of the way people around us are… I know so many people around me who are anorexic, and I’m not assuming it, I know it, I’ve talked to them about it. It’s everywhere and then I compare myself to these women… women who don’t eat and who aren’t healthy. I’ll definitely be praying with you. I can honestly say I’ve never thought of it as bondage… I’ve thought that my body should be a “holy temple” so I better get rid of all this fat. Thanks for sharing. It’ll definitely help change, or at least start to change the way I look at myself and think about my weight.
And just to let you know Renee, the first time I met you, Matt and I were coming over to, was it your house? or a bunch of peoples house in Corpus and we were having dinner together. I’d never met any of you, Matt and I had just gotten married and this was my introduction to other Air Force people… girlfriends… wives. I was so intimidated and the first time I saw you, sitting in the corner at that dining table, when I walked in all I thought was “Great, a super-model wife. Just what I need is to be the ugliest girl here.” That’s hard for me to share because you see the way I tend to compare people (horrible, but true), but my point is you are sooooo beautiful! I’ve never thought anything else.
Renee - Rachel, thanks for being vulnerable with me. Girl I truly believe this is bondage and I am rebuking it everyday. And its a battle everyday. But I want to win it. I don’t want to raise up children and pass on this mindset to them. I want them to love themselves and how God designed them. I do believe God wants us to take care of our temple. Now I keep telling myself that crash dieting and always verbally bashing my temple is not the way to do that. And I am so guilty of that. I am praying for freedom girl for me and for you. Know you are beautiful.
Shari, I have heard of that study and really want to read it. Our church is actually doing it at a time that I can not attend. Perhaps I will just do it on my own or with a group of friends. hmmm thats a good idea actually. Wish you lived closer girl so we could workout together. And our boys could meet. One day!
Jessica, you have known me forever huh. Ha! You have a tough job as a mom of girls to teach them to not listen to what the world is saying is beautiful. But you are such a strong women that I know your girls will grow up knowing they are beautiful and strong!
Lauren, I love you. Come back to Abilene:) Thanks for the prayers girl. I need them.
Alissa Hondlik - I love you Renee. Since the day I met you and until the day I die. You are a beautiful woman. End of story!
Jenny A. - WOW, Renee you never cease to inspire me! You are so brave and bold to be this vulnerable! It speaks volumes of the woman that you are. Though I have not struggled with weight issues as you say that you have, I have had my share of internal battles throughout the years. It all comes down to the simple fact that the enemy does not want us to be happy and prosperous…he unfortunately finds joy in our suffering and pain. I’m so glad that we are lucky enough to know that Christ is the redeemer, and the healer. You are such a strong woman of God, and that insprires me. I am so happy that you are able to take yourself out of that false reality of you being “fat” and look at the reality through God’s eyes. I know how hard this can be, and it is a daily battle/process, but you shall overcome with Him as long as we keep persevering. Love ya girl!! OH YEAH, and as far as the post-baby-body thing….I consider my stretch marks and other changes battle scars! =) It’s all for the Greater Good, and I wouldn’t, as I’m sure you wouldn’t, change it for the world considering the trade-off! Hang in there!
Susie - Renee, I have always known that you are beautiful, inside and out!! Of course I understand because I have struggled with this since I was 17 years old. I worried about passing it on to my children, especially Lisa Marie. I wanted them to learn from my mistakes, but that’s NOT the way children learn. I tried to encourage them to BE HEALTHY and that BALANCE was the best way. I am so happy that you have been able to share your story because I think we all need to hear that we are OK if we focus on just being healthy!!
Tori (http://FIToriBLOG NULL.com) - Look at all those comments!! I told you everyone would NEED and WANT to hear this! And, I was thinking of doing a post on how it takes thick skin to blog b/c you are being so vulnerable and subjecting yourself to judgment and critique! So proud of you! You rock, sister! I’m right on board with you! I am staying at this current weight b/c it’s good for my fertility even though I want to lose another 5 lbs for vanity. That’s now what’s good for my body right now so I’m embracing it and I may need to get new clothes so I don’t feel bad every day I get dressed! 🙂
Julia Z - Never were the points you’re making more real to me than when I had a daughter of my own. I never want her to have to go through the body image struggles that most of us do! So that means accepting myself the way God made me (or trying my best to) just as I hope she will. Praying for you on your journey!
shawna (http://www NULL.styleberryblog NULL.com) - You are not alone. Having a baby sure does put it all in perspective, doesn’t it? My little belly will always be there…but it held a BABY. The body is amazing. Don’t care that my hips are wider…my bust is smaller…because my smile is bigger. Confidence is really all that matters. That & the fact that you eat healthy & exercise so you can be around to share it that much longer.